Carver’s Dog

“So I swerved to hit the coyote and then this guy – well, I didn’t see the guy himself, per se, but his Beemer, a silver Beemer – anyway, he’s making a right from Coldwater into this driveway and – WHAM! – I slammed right into him. Broadsided him, basically.”

“And then?”

“‘And then’ what, Officer? And then I called 9-1-1 on my cell.”

“We received two 9-1-1 calls.”

“Maybe from one of the houses. It sure as shit wasn’t him calling you guys because he was like way dead upon impact.”

“Did you try to assist him in any way, Sir?”

“Are you kidding me? He was dead, man. I saw his head mating with the fucking windshield. Assist him? Gimme a break. Hey, aren’t they supposed to send an accident investigation team out or something like that when someone gets killed?”

“Yes, but they’re all responding to other incidents. My report will suffice for now but you will be hearing from an investigator.”

“I see. Look, I’ve got five gallons of ice cream in the car, Officer, and a buncha screaming kids waiting at home. It’s my son’s fifth birthday par–”

“You can go in a minute, Sir. I only have one small detail to clarify for the report.”

“Okay, alright. Can we just move –.”

“Because I have to make sure I understand your complete language.”

“My complete language is English, Officer … Portillo. Ahhh, shit. Forget it. I didn’t mean that. I got a mouth. Go on. What’s your question? Jesus, I feel like I’m in a game show here. ‘I’ll take Fatal Auto Accidents for five hundred, Alex’.”

“Funny.”

“You’re not laughing.”

“I’ll laugh later. Now, a few moments ago you said that you swerved to hit the coyote. Did you mean that you swerved to ‘miss’ the coyote, Sir?”

“No.”

“Come again?”

“I was trying to kill the sonofabitch.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why’re you looking at me like that? Do you live here in the canyon?”

“No, Sir.”

“Didn’t think so. Well, I do. Ten years. And those coyotes are a goddamn menace. Ate two of my dogs, for starters. Knock over garbage cans and spew shit everywhere. They –”

“Sir –”

“—shit all over my back lawn. One day I saw one staring down from the ridge –”

“Excuse me. Sir. Please.” “

“What, Officer?  I am trying to explain to you –”

“You are saying — ?” “

Yes …?”

“That you did indeed swerve your vehicle to strike the animal, hence inviting the collision with the silver BMW?”

“Yeah! Fuck yes!”

“Oh, boy.” “And it wouldn’t be the first time either –”

“Sir, I would advise you to” –

“ — they prey on me and mine and I prey on them and theirs –”

“Sir, I need you turn around and place your hands behind –”

“ — call of the wild or something like that, right? Hey, what happens in the canyon stays in the canyon. Everyone up here hates the coyotes. Fuck this shit.”

“Sir, have you been drinking this evening?”

“I’ve been clean and sober for five years. Do I look drunk? What a question.”