English Muffins
“Mabel!”
“What?”
“What?” he called back. The batteries on his hearing aid were running low.
“What do you mean ‘what’? You shouted at me first.”
“Oh.”
“So? What? What do you want?”
“Stop shopping at the Ninety-Nine Cent Store, goddamnit. I’ve told you a million times.”
In the living room, Mabel sighed and took another sip of her afternoon blackberry wine.
“What is it this time?” she said, raising her voice an octave or two because she knew the batteries on his hearing aid were running low. That always happened with the batteries she bought at the Ninety-Nine Cent Store but how could she resist? They were half the price of name brand batteries and she could buy twice as many.
“The English muffins!”
“What about them?”
“The fuckers won’t brown!” he shouted from the kitchen. “Three mornings straight now, no matter how high I turn up the goddamn toaster, the muffins won’t brown.”
“Just eat it and shut up,” she said.
January 19, 2008 at 4:33 am
Hey, Mabel, did’ya buy the toaster at the Ninety-Nine Cent Store, too?
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January 19, 2008 at 10:00 am
True story about those english muffins, K. Damndest thing I ever saw. I couldn’t brown them with a flamethrower.
January 19, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Try basting the tops lightly with melted butter, then toasting them. You have to do a neat job, no butter can drip, it must all be in communion with the bread. I’m presuming the toaster is a pop-up.
January 19, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Joseph, I’ll wager that you know more culinary parlor tricks than James Beard. One of these days my sometimes-jaded palate would welcome a meal home cooked by Chef Mailander. Perhaps Cornish game hens?
January 20, 2008 at 11:11 am
No offense to Joseph, but do NOT try buttering first before toasting. Now, if you had a toaster oven, in which the bread/muffins are flat, then okay, butter away. But not in a pop-up.
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January 20, 2008 at 2:23 pm
It’s too late, Kitty. I prepared the muffins per Joseph’s instructions. The first few seconds everything was fine. I returned to my comfy chair in front of the TV and waited for my golden brown muffins to emerge from the pop-up toaster. I must admit that I was pretty involved in the show I was watching — the Home Shopping Network, required viewing in the retirement community I’m living in — so I didn’t even smell the smoke until the smoke alarm went off.
So, I rush into the kitchen, not noticing that in my urgent haste I knocked over the ashtray next to my chair. An ashtray that held a smoldering cigarette. But more on that in a minute.
When I get into the kitchen, after tripping on a stupid throw rug that somebody had placed in front of the stove, the toaster was crackling and popping and making weird electrical noises like that android guy when he melted down in “Alien”. Then a bolt of blue flame shot out of the toaster, arced wickedly, and set the kitchen curtains afire.
It was then that the toaster exploded. Literally.
“Incoming!” I shouted and hit the floor, shattering my hip in the process.
I’ll never forget the bravery of that LVFD fireman who crawled though the searing heat and intense flames to rescue me. He says that when he finally reached me, laying on the burning floor, unconcious from smoke inhalation, I was clutching a charred English muffin in one hand.
January 20, 2008 at 8:06 pm
i hope it wasn’t over toasted!
January 20, 2008 at 8:26 pm
The butter from the muffin was acting as a salve for my charred hand, Don.
January 21, 2008 at 7:56 am
I just scrolled down to this post and saw new comments.
OMG! Are you serious? You shattered your hip? I wanna ask if you’re okay, but obviously not if you shattered your hip.
Btw, for future reference, do NOT put any type of grease on any burn — cool or cold water only. The grease will only cause further burning.
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January 21, 2008 at 9:34 am
R - If you are not serious, that was an even better story than the post.
If you are serious, then I really, really hope you are okay. Even if you’re exaggerating that sounds horrible!
January 21, 2008 at 9:56 am
You’re so right, Julie, that it was a good story if he wasn’t serious. However, I am a very gullible person, so I keep checking back to see if RJ has set us straight.
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January 21, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Oh, c’mon, ladies, how could you fall for that? LOL.
January 21, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Well, it did seem far fetched, but I was allowing that maybe you just blew up the toaster or something.
My sister-in-law nearly burned down our house making minute rice of all things (and last week, to boot), so it wasn’t an incredibly out there story.
January 21, 2008 at 3:34 pm
how could you fall for that?
Maybe cuz you wrote such a convincing story? Hey, I told you I was gullible.
However, the question remains: Did you toast a buttered muffin or not?
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January 21, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I deny everything. I’ve never eaten an English muffin in my life. I don’t know who Joseph Mailander is, though I believe he once worked in the White House kitchen during the Nixon Administration, if it’s the same Mailander I am thinking about. Kissinger, I understand, couldn’t get enough of his celery root consomme.