The Happy Time Popcorn Incident

“You have got to work on Mom’s garage this week,” Hal’s sister, Beth, said with a hint of reprimand. “Have you looked in there lately?”

“I can’t look,” Hal said, chewing on a hangnail on his thumb. “It’s too scary. She saves everything. I don’t think she’s ever been familiar with a garbage can in her life.”

“Just do it,” Beth insisted. “It’s your week to take care of her and I need you to do more than just mow the lawn and go grocery shopping … speaking of which, you better take a look through the fridge and the kitchen cabinets, too. Check for expiration dates. You know how she is about that.”

Long before the insidious tentacles of Alzheimer’s disease reached out to Hal and Beth’s mother, the woman had displayed an odd assortment of psychological tics. For one thing, she was a classic hoarder. Doctor Kane told Hal that this was a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder and should probably be kept in check as her already unbalanced mind slipped further into dementia.

Swallowing the fear of being buried in an avalanche of junk, and an even greater fear of getting on his sister’s bad side, Hal accepted the task on a Thursday afternoon after his daily jog around the Hollywood Reservoir.

Stepping into the dark cave of the garage, Hal didn’t know what smelled worse: his perspiration-stained running outfit or the depository for mom’s moldy junk. It would not have surprised him if he found a dead body nestled behind the Bekins Movers boxes full of old yellow newspapers and junk mail and Home and Garden magazines from 1990, the year Pop died, that she simply could not toss into the trash. And then there were the unopened boxes of crap that mom compulsively ordered late at night from QVC and the Home Shopping Network: kitchen gadgets, for instance, two waffle makers and a machine for producing homemade pasta. She had ceased cooking years ago and relied solely on microwaveable foods yet she continued to collect new kitchenware.

A complete collection of Benny Goodman CDs, still in their wrapping. A boxed set of John Wayne movies on VHS. Mounds of forgotten family photos intermingled in boxes stuffed full of ten-year old grocery coupons and dusty paperback romance novels that she never read. Calendars and Day Runners from a decade in the past. He found three boxes of old shoes.

And secrets. There were plenty of secrets to be found in those boxes in the garage, Hal discovered. Lately mom had been complaining that her eyes hurt. She claimed that she didn’t know why. Hal found the answer in a shoebox stuffed full of correspondence. A letter from her health care provider dated one year ago:

Dear Mrs. Callahan,

Our records indicate that you are diabetic and due for a dilated eye exam. Annual eye examinations are an important part of your diabetes care. Elevated blood sugar levels can cause damage to the retina over time, thus affecting your ability to see well. Significant vision-threatening diabetic retinopathy can be present even if you have no visual symptoms. If you have not had a diabetic eye examination over the last year …

Hal folded the letter and stuffed it into his hip pocket. He would have to share this information with Beth. He continued rummaging through the shoebox. Unpaid bills. Collection notices. Some kind of business correspondence from The Happy Time Popcorn Company in Sioux City, Iowa. Hal sat down on a rickety lawn chair to read the letter.

Dear Mrs. Callahan,

Thank you for your telephone call regarding the problem you experienced with two cartons of HAPPY TIME Blast O Butter Ultimate Theatre Style Butter Microwave Popcorn you purchased at Von’s on Santa Monica Boulevard in Los Angeles. We are sorry to learn the corn did not pop properly and apologize for the inconvenience this caused you.

The production code #4225-A7 indicates the product was packed in August 2004 so this corn is over two years old. Normal shelf life for microwave cartons is approximately 12-18 months, and it is possible the corn has dried down below the proper moisture level for popping. You will want to check the code date on your future purchases of HAPPY TIME to make sure you are purchasing fresh corn. The first number in the code indicates the year, and the last three numbers indicate the day of the year the product was packed.

We value your patronage and greatly appreciate you bringing this to our attention and giving us the opportunity to respond. If you have any further problems, please let us hear from you.

Suzanne McClarty, the Vice President of Consumer Affairs, had signed the letter and enclosed coupons for two free cartons of Happy Time Popcorn.

Hal sighed, pocketed the letter, and continued pawing through the shoebox.