According to various news reports, socialite and famous-for-being-famous celebrity Paris Hilton is devastated after two of her dogs were eaten by coyotes in the back yard of her Hollywood Hills home. The report goes on to say that pets owned by Halle Berry and Demi Moore have also been consumed as coyote snacks in the recent past.

Coyotes, to my way of thinking, are as emblematic of L.A. as the ubiquitous palm tree; they may be an occasional nuisance — my ex-wife’s cat was coyote food a few years back — but Angelenos just gotta learn to live with their presence; after all, they were there first.

I’ve used coyotes as devices in a number of L.A. fiction pieces, my favorite being the humorous Trace tale Skunks of the Hollywood Hills for L.A. Stories. In a sojurn into magical realism, Algebra in the Hollywood Hills (also for L.A. Stories), an aging scientist encounters a talking coyote in the bucolic splendor of Griffith Park:

“This isn’t happening,” Karl said, his voice crackling like brittle paper. “I’m home, in bed, having a bad dream.”

The coyote snarled. “Want me to bite you to prove that you’re wide awake, Karl?”

Karl flinched when the coyote addressed him by name. He quickly thought of a possibility: mind control drugs. The agency had grown weary of his thirty-year quest to solve The Equation. He was getting no closer to an answer than the day he first accepted the assignment.

“I don’t think I can do it,” Karl suddenly blurted, “not anymore. I’m tired.”

“You can’t solve a simple mathematical riddle?”

“It’s not simple. The solution, if it can be found, supposedly, theoretically, would prove the existence of — ” He bit down on the rest of the sentence and stared at the coyote with an almost manic fervor in his watery gray eyes.

“You,” Karl pointed a trembling finger at the coyote. “It’s you. I’ve solved it. Finally.”

Coyotes have mystical properties. Any Native American worth his folkloric salt will vouch for that.

Funny thing is, I came across this Paris Hilton “news” story moments after sending the first segment of a new serial to L.A. Taco. The protagonist of the new adventure is … a talking coyote.

So, what to do about the coyote?

If you find strange paw prints in your back yard (I’m looking at you, Paris) and you care to differentiate between dog prints and coyote prints, here’s the trick: a coyote’s paw print is pointed and a dog print is more circular. Also, dog toe prints are more spread apart, while the toes of the coyote are closer together, so a coyote’s paw prints are closer together and a dog’s paw prints are more spread apart. Got that? Finally, the nails of the coyote are long and slender, but the average dog nail is short and oval.

Coyotes usually hunt in groups of two or three. The first coyote — the point man, as it were — will lay down where he or she thinks their prey will next wander … so if you let Tinkerbell out into the backyard at midnight to take a piss, Ms. Hilton, they’ll be watching from the jacaranda bush and if the coyote’s calculations are correct as to where little Tinks will roam next, el coyote will jump up, grab the neck and take Tinkerbell down. The point man will let his companions catch up to the feed before he or she digs in. That’s how they hunt. A small dog or cat doesn’t stand a chance against coyotes.

Look, you’re encroaching upon their habitat. It’s not your fault, you have to live somewhere but coyotes are being forced, particularly in Los Angeles, to co-habitate with humans so here is your guide, via Project Wildlife, on how to co-habitate with the coyote so your precious pet doesn’t become a Happy Meal:

1. Don’t feed coyotes; they could become dependent upon humans for food

2. Don’t leave your pet food outdoors

3. Never leave garbage outside where any coyote can reach it

4. Close all outdoor garbage cans and get rid of the smell. Use a little ammonia or some cayenne pepper in the trash can

5. Restrict the use of bird seed in your yard. Coyotes can be attracted to the creatures that feed there

6. Eliminate outdoor water sources if you live in coyote country (water fountains, etc.)

7. Clear and trim near ground level any shrubs that could provide cover for a coyote

8. Build a fence, dummy. The fence must be at least six inches below ground level so the coyotes cannot dig under it

Simmered down: don’t be nice to them. Coyotes are not your cute feral outdoor pets. Discourage them from hanging around your homestead. Don’t create a food chain or a location for liquid refreshment for coyotes in your front or back yard. Coyotes are predators. They will eat your babies and your pets — well, I don’t know about the babies part but I imagine if we continue fucking with their ecosystem and a pack of ‘em get hungry enough …